“The Tragedy of Knowledge”
To say I’m tired would be an understatement. Sorry if I haven’t posted in nearly a week, things have gotten from bad to worse very fast both physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually and financially and all the other ally you can think of.
What’s going on? Nothing anyone can fix but time itself… Maybe… I hope.
A few weeks ago I wrote to my insomnia, I don’t like it very much but at the same time, I know that when I sleep too much I’m not at my best. I actually prefer insomnia because like I said, I’m productive.
Here’s the thing, it’s been painful to get out of bed in the morning to wake up mom and get my brothers ready for school. No, it’s not that I’m lazy or don’t want to do it, when I’m fine I gladly do it because of the challenge. I actually make it into a game. When I’m not good, like I have been lately waking up is painful because I feel like I have nothing to wake up to.
I remember my dreams, I have since I was little, I also remember my nightmares. But lately I have not had nightmares, I have had dreams. Oh so wonderful dreams. So in my dreams I have something to wake up to, they are wonderful full of promise and hope and happiness.
I can’t say that about life at the moment. What’s the point of waking up if you are stuck in rewind, a broken record singing the same sob song day in and day out. Sleep – dreams offer something else. Adventure!
Heck at this point even a nightmare would offer something besides the numbness I have inside.
I know I can’t spend my life sleeping (got bills, responsibilities, and promises to keep). And I really don’t sleep all day, I just want to, and can you really blame me? Can you look into my dead eyes and tell me I am wrong? I know I have things and people to live for and good to fight for but sometimes you just get tired of fighting for everything and everyone when no one fights for you.
I mean human wise, I know Jesus fights for me every day and died for me, and yes Amen and thank you Lord, but humans were not created to be alone and numb and that is exactly how I feel.
I’m ranting, but this is ranting of a Mad Woman so allow me this.
Allow me to for once show what is behind my smile and brains. The pain for knowing something is wrong but having no one to tell. No way to fix it, but because of my knowledge I can hid it. That is the tragedy I face, the tragedy of knowledge.