My Mask of Happiness

mask22I told my story because and had Lesley share it because for some people, Suicide Prevention Day is just another awareness day full of statistics. To some of us, there is a passion to spread hope because we have had first hand experiences with the devastation it can cause.
For a period of 3 years back in middle and high school, I almost became one of those statistics…It didnt happen overnight or on a whimbut rose from constant bullying at school, along with other middle/high school drama. I remember sitting in my room with a loaded gun ready to end it all… But thankfully, life didn’t end that night.  For many years I felt such shame and guilt over this time in my life and for putting on a mask of happiness when inside I was anything but okay. It was my hidden secret, but it dug at me and filled me with even more shame.  Satan’s grip was so tight, so strong, so dark, I was deceived into thinking my life didn’t matter and that no one would miss me. Cutting became a regular practice and withdrawing my true self from others and putting up a front was the new normal. But through God’s miraculous grace and mercy, along with some really caring friends, I was saved from this darkness. It wasn’t easy, and there are still times I struggle as Satan tries to work his way back into my mind, but I made it. And only with God’s help.
On April 19th, 2010, my best friend Zack took his life and my life was again shattered. I missed 11 phone calls and 28 text messages him from that day, but my phone was on silent at work, and I didn’t get them until it was too late. Satan slowly crept back in and filled my mind and heart with lies and guilt that no one should ever have to bare. I started feeling guilty about his death, and it grew to the point where I was blaming myself alone for his choice to end his life…even though in my head I knew I couldn’t have stopped him because of the distance that separated us. I’ve carried around the guilt for over 6 years but thankfully God is working in me and helping me let go of the lies that Satan had embedded into my heart. God is healing my heart piece by piece and with his help I am able to start to move forward.
I will forever be thankful for a God that claimed me as his own, pulled me back from the edge of an almost certain death, and restored and redeemed my life, in only a way that he can. He showed me that even in the midst of my darkest days, He cared for me, loved me, and was still willing to save me.
If you are reading this and have ever struggled with depression, cutting, or thoughts of suicide, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It feels like such a personal darkness, but there is help and there is hope. Please message me if you ever need someone to listen, talk to, or need help. You are not alone. You are loved. Your life matters.
#Suicidepreventionday #suicideawarenessday #TWLOHA #secondchance #hope, #lifematters #MyStoryMatters #AndSoIKeptLiving #LetHopeRise
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