How About Now? Will I Ever be Enough?
Hi guys, it’s really hard to top a week of suicide prevention blog post. It was depressing writing the facts and more so when I got to read first-hand the stories that I was sent. I didn’t get around to writing my experience, maybe next year…
This post is a bit more personal (don’t worry, I will still vomit facts and research on you), it is still rantings of a mad woman (yours truly.) I feel like a lot of people can relate to this rant through, so maybe it’s the rantings of a mad generation.
I heard a song called Pretty Lies by a killer female-fronted band called Veridia, basically it’s about how society compares us to each other, and it really sucks. It is true. I noticed this week. There is a social psychology theory called social comparison theory.
The theory states that we determine our own social and personal worth based on how we stack up against others. As a result, we are constantly making self and other evaluations across a variety of domains (for example, attractiveness, wealth, intelligence, and success). There is upward comparison and downward comparison. Upward comparison is when we compare ourselves to others who are more successful. Now this can be good because it gives us motivation, but too much upward comparison can cause depression, feelings of worthlessness, and sometimes we believe that can never be good enough, so decided to end our lives. Downward comparison is the opposite. This is when we compare ourselves to those who are less successful than us. This can be good because it can increase our self-esteem and self-worth, but again, too much can cause us to become arrogant and self-centered.
And so my rant commences.
I look around my world and I see success screaming to be let in. In every direction, it has circled me. I push and shove the countless sleepless nights aside to get a little ahead, but no I cannot brag. I cannot give myself praise for the hard work that I do, slaving for a society that does not pay my bills, trying to make apple juice out of the rotten piece of cheese that life has not so kindly thrown my way.
I cannot downward compare myself. I cannot be glad of the things that I have accomplished or state proudly that my GPA is a 4.0 because I will then be arrogant, selfish, narcissistic. I cannot tell the people I love of my ambitious goals and dreams because they seem to think they are not “good enough” for me. So they cast me aside and look for someone else. A great destiny is a lonely journey.
Instead we upward compare, because the feelings of worthlessness, uselessness, and depression are better than feeling happy. I have $10 to my name, that is all. I walk in the dark afraid for my life as sports cars pass me by, but hey, at least I can walk. I look in the mirror every day and wonder, “how about now, am I good enough?” The answer is always no. I can have a car, I can have more money, I can have this and this and that and this, but I don’t because I am lazy, hopeless, and stupid.
And I am not saying I am not thankful for what I have, because God knows I thank Him for all the little things because I know that one day I might not have it. I am grateful to God, but not to this life. The double standards of success are a maze that I have gotten lost in.
I no longer know what happiness is, and I sometimes question my humanity. Happiness is an illusion for me, only a reality for those good enough; something I fall miles short on. Humanity is who has the most at any given point and I am not human because all I have is my health and books.
Don’t come to me, with “it could be worse?” Yes, I know the world is a messed up place (I can’t use the f word, but that is what I was thinking.) Yes, I know about families being torn apart, pointless deaths, and kids starving through the world. I know I am lucky to be getting an education, and I know reality is awful. But stop. Just stop for one second and realize that we are all living in our own realities set up by the family, friends, and society that we live in.
You say the world is a worse place, that I have it better than most. Yes, I know I do, but please listen to me and welcome to my world. No, don’t walk a mile in my shoes; spend the day inside my mind. The poisons of worry and the venom of stress have left my mind and world a toxic wasteland.
I compare myself to you, you, and you, and don’t act like you don’t do the same. We all wonder all the time if we are good enough. A good enough friend? A good enough girl or boyfriend? A good enough mother or father? A good enough daughter or son? I try to please the masses and in the process lose myself.
I give up my happiness so others feel important. When did the happiness of humanity become my responsibility (mine, someone only human by scientific definition?)
I judge myself on what I can improve. I can be smarter. I can be more beautiful. I can be thinner. I can be more hard working. I can be more human. I can be more fake.
And as I upward compare to my depression and success, one thing I know for sure will always plague my mind: “How about now, am I good enough? How about now? Will I ever be enough?”
I hope you enjoyed my rants! I would love to hear from you and how you can relate. Also, some ideas for more blog post are welcomed! 😀
Have a nice weekend and tune in sometime next week for my next post.
Genius and Insanity: I am that Line! ❤