Ranting of a Mad Woman No. 5: I See Grey

Happy Saturday readers. I hope all are enjoying today or at least making it through today. Conference went great. I got to see my friends and research mentor!

Anyway next week or so will be super busy, but I wanted to do a Ranting of a Mad Woman, because I have not done anything really creative since November (Rantings of a Mad Woman #3). Rantings of a Mad Woman #4  was more of a Lesley thing.

Anyway here is a ranting.

It started with a whisper. I whimper. A soft cry for help.
Someone save me.
Nothing.
From white it becomes black.
I get in the car and drive. I don’t know where. The darkness surrounds.
I speak up in a normal voice.
Someone help me.
I am dismissed.
The ever “why are you depressed you have it better than most.”
I say nothing.
From black it becomes grey.

2017-03-11_11-02-36
I end up in the roof of a very tall building.
I scream loud and until I feel my lungs begging me for air or least they collapse. The anger inside consumes me like a raging chemical fire.
But is it really anger. I don’t see red.
I see grey.
Most people think that depression is associated with black. I associate it with grey. Black, though the absent of color, goes well with everything. Black suits at weddings or major celebrations.
Seeing the world in white the bright side of things, seeing the world in black the dark side of things (hey at least they have cookies, right?) Seeing the world in grey washed up with no meaning, no life, no promise.
I see the world in grey.
Empty.
Anger is let out. Anger because that’s the only way things are understood.
Who screams the loudest is the one who is heard.
Abuse.
War.
Politics.
Whoever is the angriest. Whoever screams the loudest has the power.
I scream in anger. I scream. I scream. I scream.
And yet.
No one hears me. No one understands me.
No one is listening.
It makes me angry because no one can comprehend the pain that is inside.
They didn’t hear me as I whispered.
The dismissed my “inside voice.”
Now they tell me to shut up and stop being angry. To see the bright side of things.
I shut up.
I smile even though I’m crying inside.
I take a leap knowing that one will catch me. One has been listening the whole time. I don’t see  the darkness. I don’t see the the light.
I see the end goal that we all will achieve. The goal that has been the one hearing, understanding.
Listening.
I don’t feel happy.
I don’t feel content.
I don’t feel depressed.
I feel the impact.
I see grey.

I will write as soon as I can, but #life.

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